Ava Miscarriage Awareness Campaign

Back in October, I received an email from the company Ava, who makes the fertility tracking bracelet that I use. Their head of content and social media, Lindsay, emailed and asked if she could call and chat with me. Based on my answers to a user survey regarding miscarriage, she was interested in hearing my story.

The Ranch Librarian Reads: Favorite Pregnancy Books

So I've been working on this post for what feels like FOREVER, but it took me a while to really curate my pregnancy book list to just the right ones to share with you all.

When I first learned that I was pregnant, I assumed that I would read ALL the books I could get my hands on about being pregnant and delivering my own little bundle of joy. After all, I'm an avid reader and a librarian--it makes sense that I would be all about reading all the books.

But I quickly discovered that, like Dr. Google, books can be an unwitting and powerful source of confusion and anxiety for a pregnant woman. And let's face it, I need no extra sources of anxiety. My brain is is great at that already. So instead of devouring all the books, I found myself eyeballing them critically.

Finally a Ranch Mama

So...something major happened on April 7th and 8th. 

Huxton John Miller
April 8th, 2018, 2:01am
8 lbs, 13 oz, 22 inches

Things have been a little crazy around the ranch since then. 

After all the heartache and infertility struggles and prayers...

After all the growing pains and faith building and wondering...

Jon and I welcomed our son, Huxton John, into the world in the wee hours of Sunday, April 8th. 

That's right! 

My boy arrived in a flurry of activity (it's quite a birth story, and I'll tell it sometime), healthy and happy. His dad and I couldn't be happier--we are thrilled with our new life as a family of three and so thankful that the Lord blessed us with such a sweet little boy. 

The past six weeks have been full of love and snuggles and dirty diapers and working out how to be parents. It's exhausting and exhilarating and wonderful and scary all at the same time. And while the past six weeks have been something of a blur, it also feels like Hux has always been a part of our family. As Jon says, it's been the longest and shortest six weeks of our life. 

But now that Hux is *nearly* sleeping through the night, our company has gone, and we are really setting to the task of how to do this thing called parenthood, we are settling into a new normal. 

Jon's catching up on sleep and working on ranch chores (our alfalfa field looks amazing), and I am getting back to writing and hoping to be cleared to start riding my horse again soon (keep your fingers crossed for me, because I can't wait to ride again!). I'm trying to get the hang of this mama thing, and getting the feel for life as a stay-at-home-mom. 

I KNOW! 

In February, Hubs and I decided that I wouldn't be returning to my full time job in the fall as a teacher-librarian. So that's a pretty major change for us, not only financially but logistically as well. I'll still be working in the fall, though: I'm still an adjunct at our local community college, and I'll be doing some administrative work for our church as well. And you never know what other odd jobs might come up. PLUS: I have some serious plans for getting some writing and blogging done, which I am pretty stoked about. 

So here's some of what's to come this summer from The Ranch Librarian: 

• some favorite recipes from the ranch
• another snippet to read from My Summer with Gatsby
• a teaser from My Summer with Gatsby's sequel, Boats Against the Current
• an array of ranch-related projects 
• book reviews for some of my favorites I've been reading (Kindle on my phone is my friend during 2am feedings)

I can't wait to get back to posting and writing! 

Talk to you soon <3 

Five Favorite Pregnancy Purchases

Let’s just get a confession out there before I dive into this post: I am apparently kind of old-fashioned when it comes to pregnancy. I am not entirely sure I knew this about myself before becoming pregnant, but it turns out, I really am.

For example: I waited until I almost missed a second period before I took a pregnancy test in August. Hubs and I eschewed all the genetic testing for our baby (which is a different post for a different time), and even though we’ve attended our 20 week anatomy scan, we have chosen not to know the gender of the baby I’m currently carrying. We are also planning a home birth with a midwife, and the only thing that makes the room the baby will sleep in a “nursery” is the fact that it will contain a crib (okay, maybe a few cute things too).

And I say that with no judgment, truly. To each their own. I know some people test the moment they can, have every genetic test in the book, know the sex of their baby as soon as possible, and want to be surrounded by nurses bringing them a glorious epidural for their birth. And I know that many people’s nurseries are HGTV worthy.

Seriously, I get it.

It just turns out, I’m not into all that.

Sometimes, it surprises me. For the years that we struggled with infertility, I daydreamed and had secret Pinterest boards with pins about nursery decorations (woodland creatures or full out Harry Potter? Or maybe a little cowboy nursery!?!). I peed on enough sticks to take up a corner of a landfill (which I am pretty sure collectively cost enough to fund this baby’s first year of college) the very moment the package said I **might** be able to get a positive.

But since getting pregnant, I have somehow just not felt like any of that was super important to me (and again, I just want to say: no judgment. If you are pregnant and reading this, decorate that nursery to your heart’s content. Your baby will have a way cooler room than my baby will). My priorities have shifted some, and I think that’s okay.

I have also made a few discoveries about myself that have been kind of surprising as well, and have lead me to finding a few products that have been absolutely indispensable for this pregnancy. Of course, when you get pregnant, everyone has loads of advice for you: do this, try that, don’t buy one of those, of course you’ll need this! And all of this advice is given with the best of intentions, so I appreciate it. I also am a big believer in figuring out what works for you. So, I’ve taken some advice, left others, and discovered some new things along the way.

And so here’s my contribution to the annals of pregnancy advice: My Five Best Pregnancy Purchases.

1.     Tuft and Needle Queen Mattress

Strictly speaking, the purchase of a new mattress was not just about the fact that I got pregnant. Hubs and I have been contemplating and shopping for mattresses for a while now. But after I got pregnant and various aches and pains intensified (round ligament pain, anyone!??!?), we decided that we really shouldn’t put off the purchase of a new mattress any longer. We had already compared several brands, their prices, and all that, so we made our final decision, hopped online and ordered a queen-size Tuft and Needle Mattress.

Guys: Best. Mattress. Ever.

All right, I can’t speak for all mattresses ever, but I can speak for mattresses that I have owned or slept on regularly, and I have to say: this one is amazing. It’s a foam mattress, and it’s the kind that’s vacuum-packed wafer thin and shipped to your front door. Then you slit the packaging, stand back as the mattress inflates, and voila! You have a new mattress.

I have slept like a slightly ungainly, pregnant queen since we bought this mattress in October. Honestly. I can’t say enough good things about it.

And here are some of the best details: Tuft and Needle Mattresses are made of 100% organic materials in the United States, they are affordable, and they have a 100 day return policy. You essentially get to test it for 100 days and if you decide it’s not for you, then you can return it for a full refund. And the best part of that: Tuft and Needle’s return policy includes donating the mattress to a charity, then giving returning your money to you.

2.     A Hydroflask bottle

I splurged on an expensive water bottle after finding out I was pregnant, and my water bottle of choice is a Hydroflask. Since pregnancy demands more attention to hydration than non-pregnancy, I knew I had some work to do—I am notorious for always running a little dehydrated. Part of this is laziness, part of this is indulgence. I really like my water cold, so I get lazy about drinking when it’s not nice and cold. I also, when given the option, will reach for something other than water, usually hot or cold tea, with a little something sweet in it.

So in order to combat this, I purchased a Hydroflask and a straw attachment lid. And it’s been a game changer for me. The flask keeps my water cold, which means that I do a way better job drinking it throughout the day. Plus, the straw makes it handy.

Since everyone keeps telling me that I’ll be even thirstier and in need of more water when breastfeeding, I feel confident that the Hydroflask was a good choice for this pregnancy.

And: Hydroflasks come in all different sizes and colors too, so how fun is that? I picked a turquoise one.

3.     Kindred Bravely Pregnancy Undies

Can I shamelessly admit something? Pregnancy panties are something that my pre-pregnancy self would have categorized as a waste. A racket, really, and not something that you really need when you’re pregnant.

My pregnant self has been humbled and will freely admit that pregnancy undies are one of the GREATEST INVENTIONS KNOWN TO WOMANKIND.

I’m totally serious. Now, I get it: not everyone carries their baby the same way, so pregnancy panties might not be a necessary thing for everyone. But me—I am tall, and baby is sitting low, which mean that most of my normal panties were cutting into my belly and putting pressure in places one does not need pressure while pregnant. So I shopped around a bit and decided on these: Kindred BravelyPregnancy Underwear. I checked the chart, selected my size, and pressed “submit order” on Amazon.

They are so comfy and practical, I might wear them forever.

Kindred Bravely makes all kinds of awesome maternity underwear products, and I have fallen in love with these undies. They are cut to sit below your belly, with a wide, soft waistband that doesn’t cut into you. The backside are cut to cover all your parts (an important feature, IMO). They come in normal, plain colors, and aren’t terribly spendy either.

4.     40ish Weeks Pregnancy Journal

This is one of my favorite purchases because it’s been such a fun and simple way to track this pregnancy. It’s a simple journal that has some prompts in it, but not too many. There’s enough to give you some direction, but lots of room for free-forming it full of all the details you want to record.

I have been having a great time filling it with photos from my phone (Shutterfly’s app lets you order little 4x4 photos for free from your phone—all you pay is shipping), documenting stuff that’s been happening, my bump, and ultrasound photos.

Since I am something of a smash-style journaler anyway, this little book has been the perfect pregnancy journal for me, and I love that I’ll have to look back on after this little one arrives.

5.     A Pregnancy Body Pillow

This is one item, like pregnancy panties, that I kind of thought was silly before I was pregnant. I had seen several, including an obscenely large one that took up most of a King –sized bed, and thought, I value my marriage. No way I want one of those in the bed with us!

Ha!

Then I started to get uncomfortable, especially once I hit the stage that says you shouldn’t lay on your back much. And before I knew it, I was submitting another Amazon order, this time for a C-shaped pregnancy pillow that I fell in love with the moment I fell asleep with it.

It just makes sleeping easier and more comfortable. Seriously.

Hubs has nicknamed it “The Great Wall of Pregnancy Pillow” (that was after he wanted to name it Nagini, after Voldemort’s snake. I nixed that idea, but I do love the man for making such a brazen Harry Potter reference).

But it’s been one of my best purchases, and it really has made a difference in the quality of sleep I am getting regularly, which counts for a lot, since pregnancy is fairly exhausting, not to mention sleep challenging because of the no-sleeping-on-your-back and can’t-sleep-on-your-belly situation.

Obviously, there are LOADS of potential pregnancy purchases to be had, but these have been my favorites so far. What was critical for your pregnancy?  

"Hills and Valleys": Thoughts on Miscarriage and Faith

Back in September, I had the privilege of speaking to the congregation at the local church Hubster and I attend. Our pastor, Ian, has been an incredible support and encouragement to Hubs and I as we've walked through our fertility journey, as have many individuals in our church family.

Ian had been preaching a series called "Hills and Valleys," focused on the way that the Lord guarantees that He will be with us through the ups and downs of life. And those ups and downs, by the way, are also guaranteed. 

When Ian first started the series, he played a song at the closing of the first week's message, called "Hills and Valleys" by a Christian artist named Tauren Wells. It's such a beautiful song, with a melody and lyrics that cut right to my soul every time. 

If you have a minute, listen up:  

Beautiful, right? 

I love these lines in particular: "On the mountain I will bow my life to one who set me there, and in the valley I will lift my eyes to one who sees me there." The first line strikes me hard because it's so difficult to remember to bow our lives to the Lord when everything is going well--I know I get lulled pretty quickly into a sense of control and stability. And it's hard to lift your eyes to Him when things are dark too, because we're so quick to blame God or get angry at him about the valley we are walking through. 

But this song spoke to me, because this fertility journey that I've been on has caused me to really take a look at myself and my faith. 

So I want to share here what I spoke about at church, because the difficulties of the past few years have been some of the most influential of my entire adult life. 

In January of 2012, if someone had said, “You’ll be married by the end of the year,” I would have laughed (politely, I’m sure) in their face. At the time, I wasn’t walking with the Lord, and the thought of something like happening in my life was absurd.

But around the 1st of February that year, I had what I call a divine appointment that changed

my life. I walked back to the Lord. ON the 10th, I met my future husband, and God set me on a mountaintop higher than I’d ever imagined for myself. Jon and I married in October of 2012, a hilltop moment for sure. But it wasn’t long into married life before we found ourselves trudging into a valley--a valley we would walk from the end of 2013 to the end of 2016.

I was definitely diagnosed with a gynecological disease called Endometriosis, which has all kinds of implications for my overall health. The most significant of which is potential fertility. Endo doesn’t always cause infertility, but in our case, it sure appeared to. As we began trying to have a baby, the valley seemed to get darker, and darker, and longer, and longer.

Soon, I felt as though God had abandoned me. I resonated with David in Psalm 13--”Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?”--and even though I knew the truth of the end of the Psalm--“I will sing the Lord’s praise, for He has been good to me”--I couldn’t seem to find a way to feel it.

Then, in April of 2016, Jon and I experienced an early miscarriage. Our first sweet baby, whom we named Asa Raye, went home to be with Jesus. It was so early that we don’t even know if Asa was a boy or girl; that’s something we won’t know this side of heaven, though we’ll get to know one day. The miscarriage crushed me, utterly. I couldn’t understand how God could let this happen to us. Never before in my life had I experienced a valley this dark, and I’ll be honest--I wasn’t handling this well. I was angry and confused and felt so isolated.

But then, in December, I had another one of those divine appointments. It was right about the time our sweet Asa Raye would have been due. God met me in a big way, and there in that moment, I face what the whole valley had been about. You see, I had been thinking all along that it was about getting pregnant. But the reality was that the journey was really about my faith.

And the key question was: would I continue to let my faith be overtaken by my fear? Fear and anxiety have been companion for many years, and through the valley, I realized my fear had grown so much stronger than my faith. But in that divine appointment, I realized that it was time to let my fear go. As the David says in another Psalm, “I lift my eyes up unto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from you, maker of heaven and earth.”

That day, I had to make a choice--faith over fear. And then I had to continue making the choice, each day, until it began to feel like a habit. Until it was a habit. That was when God lead me out of the valley and onto a mountaintop called peace. Peace that passes understanding--literally--because my prayers were often “Lord, I don’t understand, but I trust in you” or even “I don’t like this, but I trust you.”

So I want to make something clear here: this journey hasn’t been about getting pregnant. It’s been about growing my faith. And I say that particularly because I am pregnant--which is the most amazing, surprising, miraculous gift. It’s also a mountaintop, but it’s one that sits a little higher than the one I was already on.

Getting pregnant wasn’t what got me out of the valley. God is what got me out of the valley. The pregnancy is a wonderful gift, but it’s not the answer. And this is important, because I don’t want anyone walking away from this thinking that surrendering to God is some kind of magic answer to getting what you want. It’s not, despite the platitudes we say to one another.

“Give it to God and it will happen.” “Just stop trying and then you’ll get pregnant.” While surrendering to God sometimes yields a result we were hoping for, it really is meant to yield the result He is looking for. And when we trivialize the struggle with platitudes, I think we fail to realize how life changing our walk through the valley can be. How God can use that trial to refine and better us, to grow our faith and make us more fit for the service he intends us for.

So I want to encourage you today to remember that our God is the God of the hills and valleys, and no matter where you are, He wants to do a work in your life. While the valley of infertility has been so dark, it’s also made me better, more, and brought me closer to the Lord.

To end, one last thought. Someone asked me recently why we decided to announce this pregnancy rather early, or at least, before the typical 12 week-ish mark. Why? Because my faith has grown bigger than my fear. Not everyone waits to tell because of fear, but for me, that would have been the case. And no matter what happens with this precious baby, I trust my God, and celebrate this blessing as we stand on the hilltop. And if we find ourselves walking through another valley, then we’ll be sure to keep our eyes, as Tauren Wells so eloquently puts it, on the One who sees us there.

The Ranch Librarian Catch-Up: #realtalk

Guys, it's NOVEMBER.

How did that happen???

Also, today marks the 18th week of my pregnancy.

Yes, you read that right: my pregnancy! If you follow my social media then you know all about this HUGE thing that's happened in the life of me and Hubster, but if this is news to you, believe me, you aren't the only one shocked! I still have a hard time believing it some days.

Belly photos! Pregnancy Announcement! A 40 Week Journal! Ultrasound!
It's all still so unbelievable that I can hardly wrap my mind around it.

Hubs and I were more than a little surprised when we got a positive pregnancy test in August, telling us that we were expecting a little on at the beginning of April. And it feels like life has been a whirlwind since then: we had family visiting for the Eclipse, then I competed at the Inaugural Event at Archer in Cheyenne, Wyoming (7 weeks preggers!), then school started, I got hit by First Trimester Exhaustion, and now, here it is: November.

But all that being said, I have SO MUCH to catch up on.

For real.

I want to tell you all about my first eventing season with Jet, which went so well (and yes, I am still riding pregnant, which is probably something else to talk about as well). I want to tell you about the Eclipse and miscarriage awareness and working with a midwife and John Green's new book and pregnancy after infertility and NaNoWriMo and the Gatsby book and SO MANY other things too!

But I figured I should say hello first.

So, hello.

Happy fall (or, if you are in my neck of the woods, winter. Because it was 60 degrees yesterday, and now there are INCHES of snow outside on the ground).

I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving, and anxiously awaiting the moment that I start feeling this little one kicking around in my belly.

So keep your eyes peeled and get ready: there are awesome things on the way!