Women of Faith: Billings

I am sitting in my hotel room in Billings, Montana, reflecting on the final Women of Faith Conference here in Billings.

What a great conference it was! I am always amazed at how GOOD it feels to be in an arena full of women who love the Lord. Seriously. It's encouraging and uplifting and awesome.

Yet I spent a large amount of time there with my arms folded across my chest, hoping I could hold myself together all the way through. I felt angry and sad and conflicted as I sat there and listened to some of the. most. incredible. women. EVER.

Marilyn Meberg. Patsy Clairmont. Luci Swindoll. Sheila Walsh. Sandi Patti.

I mean, seriously. These are POWERHOUSE women.

And they all had great things to say, some of which I will carry away with great meaning.

But I had a hard time letting it reach my heart.

You see, this journey into fertility has become much, much more than that to me. It's forcing me to face a lot of things about myself that are scary. Raw. Frightening.

I thought trying to have a baby would be about having a baby.

Turns out that for me, it's about a whole lot more.

And that's been hard to deal with. In fact, it's caused me to be pretty frustrated and angry.

So angry that I haven't gotten pregnant. So angry that I feel crappy and sad and frustrated.

Then my mom's dear friend Angie said something today that resonated in my soul: "Anger is just fear. When people are angry, it's because they are afraid of something."

WOW.

So true.

Earlier in the day, Building 429 sang at the conference (and they were amazing AND cute!), and the lead singer said something that resonated with me as well: he said that he used to be ashamed of his story, but since Christ uses our stories to proclaim his name, we should share them.

I realized that not only am I afraid (and therefore angry), but I am ashamed of this part of my story.

Failing to get pregnant causes me shame.

I don't typically fail things. Whether it's a test, a job evaluation, a project, whatever--I am a type A, go-getter kind of gal, and so this whole failing to get pregnant thing isn't really my cup of tea.

So it's been hard for me talk about it, because I feel ashamed. I don't want people to feel bad for me (Oh, we know that couple from church--they're great, but poor things, they can't have a baby) and even more than that, I want them to stop trying to give me advice or sympathize with me. I'll take empathy, sure, but even still, I feel ashamed of the fact that I have failed at becoming a mother so far, and there's not been much I can do to change it thus far.

So when the cute lead singer of Building 429 said that we shouldn't be ashamed of our stories, because God uses our stories to touch other people.

And I sat there thinking, I don't want this to be my story.

I don't want to do this.

Steve Arterburn got up and talked about rules for living, and one of them was "Never give up on God, because He never gives up on you."

I believe that. But I still don't want this to be my story.

So I sat there in the audience and cried for a while, and finally got to a point where I could pray.

I told God that I didn't want this to be part of my story, but if it had to be, then He needed to open a door for it to become useful to others.

Not the most gracious prayer in the entire world, but strangely enough, I feel a little better since saying it.

And so I will keep sharing it. As my wonderful bestie encourages me to keep being brave, I am embracing the idea that our stories have power, and that we can help others through sharing our own story.

So I am trying to stop being ashamed and start sharing more freely.