Thursday, April 30, 2015

(Horrible) Things People (Unintentionally) Say: Thoughts on Empathy vs. Sympathy


I have decided that one of the hardest parts of struggling through fertility issues is dealing with people. Not only are you trying to deal with your health, hormones, and emotions, you are also attempting to balance this huge weight in the middle of a relationship, and figure out how to introduce that struggle to others.

For instance, people at our church have (lovingly) asked us when we were going to have a baby almost from the time we got married. At that time, we were blissfully ignorant of our fertility struggle, so the question was slightly awkward (because, let's face it--the status of my uterus really isn't your biz until I make it your biz), but whatever. You learn to say things like, "Oh, one of these days!" or "Just enjoying being married right now" or "We're on the 5 year plan" or something like that. 

After you begin to try having a baby, however, it's not like you want to announce that either, yet the question of "So, when are you guys going to have a baby" becomes even more awkward. Let's face it, if you're trying to conceive a baby, there's a fair share of boot-knockin' going on at your house. But you don't want to answer the crippled Uncle Bob at church with "Well, we're getting it on all the time, so should be any day now!"

Hubster and I adopted this phrase to deal with inquiries: "We'll take a baby whenever God decides to give one to us."

But as the months have dragged on since we first began saying this, people have started inquiring less and less. As a woman struggling with her fertility, I find this far more troubling and upsetting than people asking about it all the time.

So as people have learned of our fertility struggle, they hear that and respond with all kinds of (horrible) things: "Well, it's fun to keep trying!" or "Appreciate this time before you have a baby, because there's no going back" or "Maybe God will open the door for you to adopt" or "Well, at least you still get to sleep in in the morning." 

Now, I know that people are trying to sympathize with us. They are trying to find the silver lining and offer something in support. This is sympathy, which is defined as feelings of pity and sorrow for someone's misfortune. Sympathy is a nice idea, but when you are embroiled in a deep, dark struggle and sorrow, you don't need or want anyone's pity. You want to have a real moment with someone when they connect with the depth of your pain. When they offer you real support and meaningful interaction, rather than trying to paint a silver lining into your dark sorrow. 


That deep connection with someone is empathy, and it's a much more difficult to empathize with someone than to sympathize, and this video, by Brene Brown, does a great job explaining that. 

So why talk about this? 

I don't bring this up to make anyone feel bad, because I think we try as people to do our best to connect with people in their sad situations. But (in)fertility is a very real heartbreak for so many couples, and yet there's something shameful about it to the people who experience it. 

We need to figure out how to remove that shame, and help more people begin to talk about and understand just how tough and sad and awful it can be for people. 

Therefore, understanding the difference between sympathy and empathy might change the way you speak to the next person you encounter who's struggling. Perhaps they are having trouble with fertility. But perhaps they are struggling with something else, like a death or a loss or a divorce. When you understand empathy and sympathy, I think you learn to be more aware of what you say and how you interact with others using your words, which have unmistakable power. 


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