I was glad to wake up to such quiet in the house today. Even though we also woke up to an injured horse that needed doctored. But she's okay, so it was really just a frosty morning before church. All that noise has made me appreciate the quietness all that much more.
As I think back on the past month and a half, I've realized that I'm really kind of glad for how full our holidays were. Thanksgiving was filled with friends, Christmas and New Year's filled with family. Keeping the people we love close by has been helpful in one facet of my life that fertility has affected greatly: dealing with big moments.
See, in 2014, I remember spending Thanksgiving with my grandparents in California, thinking We'll have a baby by this time next year. It was the same at Christmas that year. I remember so vividly seeing an old friend's pregnancy announcement on Christmas Day; feeling the pang of sadness and the elation of happiness for them. As pregnancy announcements often do, I sat down and cried for a little while, thinking that could be us next year. It will be us next year.
Now, the holidays of 2015 have come and gone. We still don't have a baby. We aren't pregnant. And we're in this weird limbo land at the moment, heading towards being able to try to get pregnant again.
You see, when you want a family and can't have one, it casts this shadow over things like holidays. The longer you struggle to conceive, the more colored by grief and pain these events can become.
My birthday is approaching in February, and I have a tough time conjuring any excitement for it. Last year, in the weeks leading up to my birthday, Hubster and I thought we had finally gotten pregnant. My period didn't arrive, it looked like I had ovulated, and my cycle was rapidly approaching 40 days.
Then there was the negative pregnancy test. And another, because we thought for sure we must be pregnant. My period didn't arrive. Another negative pregnancy test.
So I went for a blood test at the doctor's office.
Waited.
A phone call.
No pregnancy.
.........................
If you've lived this, then you know exactly how utterly and completely devastated I felt.
That negative test felt like the loss of a baby. My baby. It didn't matter at that time that there had been no pregnancy. Perceived loss, the doctor called it. You weren't
All I had hoped for, prayed for, wished for was to be pregnant for my birthday. And I wasn't.
That left my birthday feeling rather hollow. It was hard to get excited after that to celebrate.
While no special occasion since has carried quite so much difficulty for me since last February, there's still a pall that threatens to fall over any holiday.
I'm thankful for this past holiday season, because it was lovely. I so appreciated that my family and friends were around me, which helped me keep my mind on the holiday and not the shadow that follows.
It's hard to deal with the ongoing struggle to conceive. I don't think that it gets any easier as time goes by, either. I know I've said this before, but I believe that we get better, rather than the struggle becoming easier.
But either way, a huge part of the struggle is having loving friends and family surrounding you. A huge part (in my opinion) is being willing to talk about it. A huge part is focusing your attention on all the good things that you can, because focusing on the negative will overwhelm you so quickly and drag you into the shadow where it's hard to escape.
But I am clinging to the truth that the Lord has a time and reason for everything, and that all of this situation, infertility and baby-having alike, will be resolved in the appropriate time.
But in the meantime, I feel blessed to have made it through the holidays, a time that's often shadowed with sadness, with a happy spirit. I'm turning my gaze forward and getting ready for March, when Hubster and I expect to start the next phase of our fertility journey.
I turn 29 on the 23rd of February. And maybe next year on my birthday we'll have a baby.
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