Fertility Nitty Gritty Update: Surgery and Follow-Up

All week long, I intended to write a blog post. I promise, for the hundredth time, that I have not fallen off the face of the earth. But since I'm back to teaching and in the middle of my Master's degree (whose idea was that?!?!?! lol), it seems that my great intentions to write blog posts are often drowned in the other things going on in my life.

This week, it was the refrigerator and surgery that killed my chance for writing a blog post. 

On Monday, our refrigerator gave out. 

*This is me sighing heavily* 

Then on Thursday, I had surgery. 

You can imagine how well a dead refrigerator and having surgery fit in together.

Thankfully my bestie, Ayme, came down to hang with me and Hubster through the surgery business, and Hubster was a champ at getting repair guys out to the ranch. While we did have to survive out of a dorm-sized fridge for a few days (I know, first world problems, but it definitely puts your life in perspective), the sweetest people from a local appliance company brought us a loaner last night and took our dead fridge away to repair it. 

Of course, given that I am convalescing from surgery, I watched all this happen from a comfortable place in a chair. 

Oh, yes: Surgery. 

Thursday morning, I checked into the local hospital and went under to have a Laparoscopy and Tubal Dye Study as treatment for Endometriosis. It's a short procedure, about an hour, performed by my OBGYN. 

A laparoscopy is the only way to actually confirm Endometriosis. And Thursday morning produced that absolute confirmation: Stage 2 Endo. 

Thankfully, the Doc was able to remove all the visible Endo gunk that was hanging around my left ovary and a few other, ehm, less than pleasant places. 

This was good news...sort of. 

In the spectrum of crappy fertility issues, the presence and resection of the Endo is good. The Tubal Dye Study revealed that my Fallopian Tubes are, in fact, not obstructed, which is good news too. Basically, the Doc said that since my ovaries work and tubes are open, I most likely am not getting pregnant because of the inflammation that the presence of Endo causes. 

Rescinding the Endo is a big step forward in reducing that inflammation. 

Stage 2 Endo, however, was more intense than we expected. So instead of the Laparoscopy being the end of the treatment, Hubster and I elected to extend the treatment of the Endo a little further when our Doc advised it. 

The next 3 to 6 months will be a respite from the roller coaster of trying to have a baby. Lupron therapy is a follow-up to a Laparoscopy, during which my ovaries get a rest and the Endo is suppressed down to nothing. 

All this news was...a double-edged sword. 

It was good news...sort of. 

It was bummer news too...sort of.

I feel good about having a little break from all the ups and downs of trying and failing and having a period, and then repeating the cycle all over again each month.

At the same time, I feel sad about having to wait even longer yet to have a baby. 

This morning, yet another old friend announced the birth of her baby on Facebook, and I read that announcement with a familiar ache in my throat. 

But again, when you live on the spectrum of crappy fertility issues, you have to take what you can get. 

I wanted to have a baby two years ago. 

I still want to have a baby today.

I wish with all my heart that I wasn't having to face this struggle, and sometimes I think I'd give just about anything to have a positive pregnancy test tomorrow, if it was possible. 

But it's not possible. 

And we've waited for almost two years so far. 

So, really--what's another 6 months in the scheme of things? 

Hubster is better at facing the wait than I am. He might be the most naturally patient person I've ever known. I marvel at and draw strength from his ability to take it on faith that God will give us a baby whenever the time is right. 

I wish so often that I were more like him. 

And I wish often that I could stop myself from wanting to have a baby. 

But I can't. 

On the one hand, another six months feels like a long time. On the other, I can't wait to have a chance to just...relax. 

A few months during which I don't have to chart my BBT, make sure out timing is good, obsess about supplements, or any of the rest of that. I look forward to a few worry-free months. 

Well, okay...I'll worry about a few things, like my broken refrigerator. 

And I'll feel a little sad, I suppose, for the fact that I can't change the situation. Sad about the reality that I can't be pregnant tomorrow. 

That I won't be pregnant next month. 

A little sad that this waiting game is making us wait even longer. 

But the surgery and Lupron therapy is progress, and so I will remind myself to be grateful for that. 

I remind myself that I haven't miscarried a baby, the way another old friend did just recently. 

I remind myself that I haven't been told I'll never be able to have a baby, the way some women are. 

It doesn't mean that what we're facing isn't hard, but it is good to remind myself to have perspective. 

I have to wait a while longer, and though I don't understand why, I am going to keep reminding myself it's for a reason.  

I'll remind myself to be grateful for that too, even though it's not what I wanted. Even though I wish I could change things. 

Even though I still don't have a baby. 

But hopefully, we will. Soon. Just not as soon as we like. 

The good news is that post Laparoscopy and Lupron therapy pregnancy success rates are high. 

So maybe this break will be a period of rest and recovery before our lives change forever. 

Maybe it won't. 

But either way, we'll remain hopeful. 

Love, 

R-Lib