I've been having that feeling lately.
It won't come as a shock to anyone who knows me that I like order. Control. Consistency. My husband would chime in that I am a perfectionist too, which accounts for the drive and push to do whatever I set my mind to with the best ability I can. These are qualities that serve me well in my life...most of the time.
But sometimes they cause me some real problems.
Life, unfortunately, is oftentimes not ordered, controlled, or consistent. It also doesn't go the way I want it to and there are some things that I can change or correct or do no matter how much effort I put into it.
Trying to have a baby has been one of these life things that's really thrown me for a loop.
It hasn't happened the way I thought it would. Not the first month, or the second, or the ten after that. We're working on 14 months since we started this process and my uterus is still empty. There's no nursery in our house, and most likely, when our church honors Mother's Day in May, I will once again be counted among the very few women in the room who are not mothers.
There's nothing I can do about it.
And you know what?
At the moment, I'm over it.
This is the first time I've felt that way since we started trying to conceive. For 14 months, it's been on my mind in one way or another. But this month, I have given up caring.
I know that sounds bad, so let me clarify: I haven't given up on trying to have a baby. No, we're going to keep after that for as long as it takes. But I am giving up spending so much time worrying and thinking about it.
I need a break. This cycle, Hubster and I will enjoy one another without the great shadow of day counting or ovulation predicting. I will wake up in the morning and not take my BBT, not worry about the .1 degree difference between yesterday and today. It's time to let it go and take a break. Next cycle, or maybe the one after, I will get back to it. But for now, rest.
The past several months have been ripe with trials and struggles for Hubster and I. Work is work for me, but as every teacher can tell you, it's a daily struggle to go to work and not let it take too much of you. The end of the year brings that fight to the forefront, big time. Work has slowed significantly for Hubster, and while that means more time on the ranch to be together, it also means less funding in general. While we are so blessed and have all that we need, we still feel the pressure.
Hubster's grandpa, who has been sick for a while now, relapsed to cancer after the first of the year, and we lost him on Sunday. I am thankful, so thankful, that we were able to drop everything a week ago and road trip to Washington to spend time with him before he went, but loss (even when expected) is still so tough.
It's left me feeling tired. And in that tiredness, I find that I just can't muster the energy to fuss too much about anything. Especially my uterus.
To be honest, I feel kind of mad at it. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. I would really like it to work the way its supposed to. I would much rather be one of those women who says things like, "We decided to try for baby and WHAM! I got pregnant." But I am not. I am joining the ranks of women, silent and outspoken, who have struggled through the aching reality of not being able to get pregnant.
It seems to me that accepting fertility issues is much like walking through the stages of grieving, and I have finally reached a point of acceptance.
I don't like it, I don't want it, I wish it was different. But it's not. And so I must face it and move forward.
So today, I am equating this feeling of being "so over it" with the reality that perhaps I am learning to let it go.
A wise lady I know told me that she believes that God gives us babies at the exact moment that he wants us to have them, and not a second sooner.
I think she's right.
So perhaps the true statement is that I am getting over myself enough to let it go and let the Lord handle it, which is what He's been doing all along.
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