Heavy Heart

January has brought more cold to our patch of Wyoming earth, and while days like today make me feel like I will be cold for the rest of my life, I also love the hoar frost that's settled all across the ranch. It cloaks the tree branches, fences, and chicken wire of the coop, lending the entire space an ethereal wintertime-Narnia-look. In all honesty, it's breathtaking (and yes, in more ways than one: the cold and the beauty).

January has also brought us a new year, and this new year is beginning with no new news on the baby front. Well, let me correct that: no new news for us on that front. There are plenty of friends and family around us who are sharing their good news, but for whatever reason, we've not reached that point yet.

Last week found me at a particular low, for a few different reasons. First, I've discovered that "detoxing" off all the hormones I've been on in the past several years (the pill, the Depo shot, Letrazole) is sending me back to a state of adolescent. That's code for: MY PERIODS SUCK! And last week, I was hit by the worst period I've had since I was 19 years old, so that was less than pleasant. Hubster insists that this is good news (and I must grudgingly agree that he's probably right) because it means that my body is finally returning to it's natural state. But seriously. My periods (pre-the pill) were always awful.

Second, I found out that one of my good friends is expecting after struggling for a while with not getting pregnant. And don't get me wrong: I am absolutely, 100% over-the-moon happy for her and her husband! They are wonderful people and will be fabulous parents. But hearing someone else's happy news still squeezes my heart because it reminds me of the absence of that in my life. So I was something of a moaning myrtle last week, and it's a feeling that's stuck with me into this one.

As evidenced by the periods, we are making progress on the this journey. I ovulated last month (who knew that would be a thing to get excited about?!?!), and I am feeling less hormonal and weird the longer I am off the medications.

The other big change in this journey has been the change in the diet that my doc suggested I try. Oftentimes, stomach trouble is a herald for lady trouble, and she suggested that I try excluding some thing from my diet: no yeast, gluten, or dairy. The diary wasn't so much of a stretch, and gluten isn't impossible, but do you have any idea how hard it is to find stuff without yeast? Not to mention the fact that most delicious things in the world have yeast in them (beer, cider, bread).

The really hard thing about this diet: it seems to be helping. *Sigh*

I am not sure that gluten has much of an effect on me, but I am quite sure that yeast is the culprit. So for now, there's diet changes, charting with Kindara, supplements, and LOTS of waiting. Improvement is slow going, and some days it feels like nothing will ever happen, even though I know things are brewing.

Despite having a heavy heart, I am soldiering on. I was wandering online and found this post that I found particularly encouraging. I know we are actually making progress, and that's good news. I have another appointment with my Naturopathic Doc the first of February, and I am confident we are headed in a good direction and making progress.

Slow and steady wins the race!